Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”