So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”
*Pulls out smart car
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?