@DurtMcHurtt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

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@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@Sanbel11

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

@BlindChow

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

@thenatewolf

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

@SCbchbum

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@Shower4Thought

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

@ibid78

I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.

@CaniacMONK

“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

*Pulls out smart car

@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?