Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
Cop: Get out.
“Is this your resume?”
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
“Welcome to UPS!”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder
*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.