*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day