thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”