thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
This story is comedy gold 😂
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon