*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.