@AimeeHelene1

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

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@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@VeganZebra

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

@Mom_Overboard

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

@IvoryGazelle

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.

@TheTweetOfGod

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.