@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

@karanbirtinna

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

@x_xaima

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

@BuckyIsotope

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

@Mikecanrant

Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.

@offbeatoliv

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

@MadamBetteNoire

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.