*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”