@divergentmama

Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Thundercats only happen when there’s no spaying

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@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

@KrangTNelson

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

@sixfootcandy

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

@Kids_kubed

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

@1Happytwit

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

@BlairLoudly

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

@PaperWash

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

@BoomBoomBetty

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.