Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood