@divergentmama

Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Thundercats only happen when there’s no spaying

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@Hadzilla

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

@LizHackett

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@TechnicallyRon

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

@PandAmonnia

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

@hunz74

Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.

@Iwriteforcats

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.