Time heals everything 🙂
You Might Also Like
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Friday
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*