If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Thundercats only happen when there’s no spaying
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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*dresses like a kitty*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Sorry were you talking shit about New York
You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.