thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My work here is done
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.