Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I think this cat is broken
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT