TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”