Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Meow
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer