Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Print is alive and well!!!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them