Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.