Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Man: hey you.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away
M: ugh. i hate my name.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.