TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I forgot how to panic. Help
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now