@TheAndrewNadeau

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

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@SortaBad

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

@YUCKYBOT

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

@crylosec

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

@TheToddWilliams

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

@KattWillliams

Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.

@hipchkk

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

@JohnLyonTweets

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@TheAlexNevil

By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.