TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
You Might Also Like
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
The pointless tidy up before a play date.