Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Oh thanks BBC.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
i love modern commerce
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
goldfish mafia
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?