*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
You Might Also Like
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Good morning.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Care for your back
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle