Tier 3 meme
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: my friends:
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING