@IvoryGazelle

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

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@jergarl

The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.

@squirrel74wkgn

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

@CulturedRuffian

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

@prufrockluvsong

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

@taramae72

*Mouth full of pizza*
Boss: I thought you were trying to lose weight?
Me: Waaa? Iths diet peetha.

@ADDiane

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@inanimatecorpse

Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife

@nachosarah

hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair

@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”