Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

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The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.


I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.


1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”


earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that


*Mouth full of pizza*
Boss: I thought you were trying to lose weight?
Me: Waaa? Iths diet peetha.


I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.


“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”


Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife


hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair


Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”