@OneTrickTofani

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

@iamk1ts

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@Daddyissues__

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

@BubblesnBooze

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

@caseytduncan

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

@david8hughes

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

@jonnysun

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

@EndhooS

[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: I’m sorry Aquaman, but talking to fish just isn’t a super power.
Aquaman: oh yeah? *squints* a dolphin scoots to my car and shits on it

@LosLos__

I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.