Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.