Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*


As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God


Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.


Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.


Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.


“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”


FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?


[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[closes lid]
[looks at label]


Me: I’m sorry Aquaman, but talking to fish just isn’t a super power.
Aquaman: oh yeah? *squints* a dolphin scoots to my car and shits on it


I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.