Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.