robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?