Siri: Retweet me.
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
i hate you platonically
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”