[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…