@caliluvgirl77

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

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@abbycohenwl

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

@shariv67

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

@thepaulahunt

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

@junejuly12

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!

@skullpuppy11

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

@aRealLiveGhost

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

@BerrryDLite

Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?

@EJGomez

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot