Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.