Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

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I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.


My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today


“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!


governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert


Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.


When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids


my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.


ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.


*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”