Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
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If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Sunday
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.