@sock_holliday

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@Fickle_Filly

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

@SarcasticAlly12

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

@MarlonBrandNO

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

@Cheeseboy22

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

@ipalatsky

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.