Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
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At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*
Wife: OH MY GOD
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.