Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
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I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.
My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today
“Man, what’s eating you today?
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*