I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
What an awful time to have common sense.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
A bold strategy
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely