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@moutheaters

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

@TallDarkHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@ka_waltz

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

@MoodyBlx

People who own Hummers and Range Rovers, what’s the thinking here? “I might have to drive up to Iraq for a weekend?”

@AimeeHelene1

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@putyoursisterd1

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

@junejuly12

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list