Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?