He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.