Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Look at this
Match dot com, but for socks.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
That’s easy for you to say
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”