Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.