TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??