Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Would you wear it?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: