Time heals everything 🙂
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
How times have changed.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.