@pinupteacher: Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.
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@Book_Krazy: [on my deathbed] Me: Where...*cough* where is your father? Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends. Me: I'M UP!!!
@drinksmcgee: Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me. Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well. Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too? Me: No.
@andlikelaura: Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now