Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.