All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
waiting for halloween be like:
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it