Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
#titanic
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.