[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer