A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I think about this a lot
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂