‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“TGIM!” – My liver
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.