@sofarrsogud

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

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@jergarl

After 10 years of marriage I’ve composed a check list of good reasons to get married.

1) Your family is being held hostage.
2)
3)

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

@ArfMeasures

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@mattingebretson

I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”

@3sunzzz

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@ThugRaccoons

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?