After 10 years of marriage I’ve composed a check list of good reasons to get married.
1) Your family is being held hostage.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?