‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?