Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.