Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em