No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Except for that homeless guy down the street. Pretty sure he’s had the same clothes on since the 90’s.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie
It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!
Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me