time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.