TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
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burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Saturday
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
he chose this
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.