[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.