Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Seems legit
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Not all heroes wear capes…
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
something like this could probably happen to anyone