Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
A Short Story.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.