@aissalanis

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

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@WheelTod

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@CorkyCrash

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@slimmy_shady

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

@juliussharpe

I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.

@pbear79

Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.

@KeetPotato

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

@3sunzzz

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.