Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone


*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*


I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”


I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.


I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.


Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.


[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”


Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.