All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
me: the usual
bartender: [hands me box of tissues]
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
“I am as misquoted as Marilyn Monroe.”
– Abe Lincoln
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.