@thetits

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

@Darlainky

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

@NotThatNixon

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

@iamspacegirl

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.